lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
