If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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