how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
