I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Randomize
