So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
