How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
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