Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
