The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
