they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Are we still banned from the library?
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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