Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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