If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
