I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
