can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
