Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
You pole danced in your parka.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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