why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize