I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
