When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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