Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I got inside last night via doggy door
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
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