Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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