Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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