I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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