fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
this just has baby written all over it
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
