there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
