I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
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