I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
