Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
