I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Randomize
