I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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