Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
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