she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
