running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
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