Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
