You work out of a Hotel?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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