I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Randomize
