My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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