thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Randomize
