My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
