he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Randomize