i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Randomize
