I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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