Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
