This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
