I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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