forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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