just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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