i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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