I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
