I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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