Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
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