Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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