Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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