can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
two words: eviction party
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
