It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize