Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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